reflections

Sometimes, I spend time thinking about what my life would be like without OCD. Granted, no one has a perfect life, and I’d still have other issues, but, would those issues cause the kinda chaos OCD is causing in my life? I wonder.

I’m struggling to manage with studies. Sometimes, I envy people who can read through a text briefly, and score well for examinations. I used to be able to, to a certain extent. But now,I can’t. Even if I put in my all, I’d end up doing average, perhaps a B. It disheartens me, but I know I’m capable of more. Many a times, I reflect on my college days, where I used to be the top student in class and in one year I was among the top 10% in the whole cohort. And then I think to myself, Was that really me? Or was that someone else? Just a figment of my imagination. But, it was me. That was my name on the result slips. The only difference was that, that was me without full blown OCD. I started having symptoms of OCD in my 2nd year in college. I remember sitting in class and having an intense urge to stand up during the lesson and hurl vulgarities at the teacher, for no apparent reason. I thought I was going insane, until a doctor finally put a name to my problem. OCD. During examinations, I had to keep covering my ears so that I didn’t have to hear sniffing, because it was intensely distracting, especially when I was reading a question.

And now, where do I stand? Among one of the lowest scorers in uni. That’s quite drastic.It hurts, but I know I cannot give up. I have considered giving up,about a year back, but I changed my mind. It doesn’t pay to give up, because that means you’ve allowed OCD to win.

Winning the easy way yields little or no satisfaction. But winning the hard way takes courage and gives you immense satisfaction.

I’m counting on that…..

And to my fellow ocd-fighters, keep the spirit going! =)

struggling to keep sane

As the title of this post says, I am struggling to keep sane.

My day started off quite well today because there was minimal sniffing on the public transport to uni. After which,I went for a lesson where quite a number of people were sniffing. As usual, I tried to keep the brimming irritation in control. I’m glad my irritation didn’t reach a dangerous level ( because circumstances had it that I could leave that lesson midway )

Then, guess what happened? I saw my boyfriend talking to two girls (one of whom is a friend of mine too) All hell broke loose in me. Something unexplainable started gripping me tightly with its vicious tentacles. Almost immediately, it was written across my face that I was unhappy. not just unhappy, but miserably unhappy. Then i knew i was obsessing again. Although I know it’s irrational,I just couldn’t help it. my mind started running amok.it was overloaded with “what ifs”. “what if he falls for her?”, “what if he thinks she’s prettier than me?”, “what if he’s bored of me?”, “what if he likes her because she is a good person whereas I’m a bad person”,”what if he falls for her because she isn’t crazy like I am?” So there, you get my drift. I was obsessing. It was terribly bad. I wanted it to stop. But it wouldn’t.

Following that,I refused to talk to my friends. They probably thought I was sad, or maybe anti social, but i didn’t want to look fake by pretending to be all okay.To add on to that, I was physically tired. I really hope I’m not relapsing into depression again. I don’t wanna go through that hell again. But anyway, I simply didn’t speak to them. My mind was in chaos.Tooo many thoughts. All of which I just couldn’t halt.I could barely concentrate on anything else. If that wasn’t bad enough,there were a few people around me who were sniffing. So that made it even worse. I couldn’t wait to flee.

I left with the intention of breaking up with my boyfriend. It was too painful to go on. Not because it isn’t a fulfilling relationship, but because I was putting him through so much torture. I shouldn’t be dictating his life and tellinghim to upkeep certain cleanliness rules, and also not to speak to any girls.And most definitely, it isn’t his fate to suffer with someone like me. He certainly doesn’t deserve all this. He deserves someone much much better!So, I wanted to put an end to it.

When I saw him,I couldn’t. I was in a dilemma. Here was the person I love so much and want to spend my life with. How could I just let him go like that? Yet, another side of me was telling me to let go and spare him the pain and torture of being with me. Then again, it started. I kept thinking that he’d get tired of me controlling him and telling him not to speak to girls, and as such he may feel too pressurized and leave me for a better girl. I’m glad I didn’t end the relationship but it still gnaws at my heart that I’m imposing too much on him, and torturing him waaay too much that he may break. I’d hate myself if that ever happened.

I neeeed to stop the obsessive thoughts. Sometimes, i get so afraid that I may be going insane. But, I’m still struggling to keep afloat.

Hoping for a better day…..

cracking

today was bad bad ocd day.

it plauged me for like the whole day.

Initially, I woke up from a restless sleep because I had a nightmare( prolly more than one but I only remember one of it). Then I had to rush off to uni, and on my way there were so many people sniffing. 1 person is bad enough, but there were like 4-5 people around me sniffing. It was totally horrible,I tell you. It doesn’t help that I’m PMS-ing right now and my hormones are affecting my mood greatly too. I tried to relax, but I simply couldn’t. I started fidgetting a little. If that wasn’t hell-ish enough, there’s the bus ride. Again there were people sniffing. two, that I could hear clearly. by the time I was 5 minutes away from my lecture, I was tearing. I kept telling myself not to break down. It was just too much to handle. So then I stepped into the venue for the lecture and found a seat, but guess what, there was someone sniffing near there too!!!!! I could have broken down but I couldn’t allow that to happen. I had to hold myself together.

After all these, and after I successfully survived the first part of the day without harming anyone because of my irritation, I met my boyfriend. He told me he was going to give a friend of mine some notes. that was my breaking point. but externally I couldn’t break. inside, I was shattering. I kept obsessing that since she’s prettier and more feminine and much much smarter than me and does not have OCD, that means he’ll like her and dump me. Honestly, right till this minute my mind is still obsessing. I know it’s irrational to make an issue of something so small, but I just cannot help it. every mutual female friend of mine and his who does not have a boyfriend seems to be a possible target for him. I don’t enjoy thinking this way. I totally abhor it, in fact.

 He’s better off with a better girl I guess. Maybe I should just let go. But I don’t want to let go. But i guess I have to let go for the betterment of him,right?

uneasy

The past one week hasn’t exactly been really easy for me.OCD hounded me for a good part of the week but I still had my splendid moments too. Of course, the public transport journeys haven’t been easy on me. My doctor indicated that using earphones was a form of avoidance, and the only way to overcome my irritation of sniffing was to expose myself to it.Easily said. Only I would know how much I suffer inside and the kind of emotions it triggers.With medication,I’ve been a little better from what I used to be. When people sniffed, I used to curse them in my mind, and most of the time, I’d be afraid that if my irritations gets out of hand, I might harm the person or even kill that person. It scares me,really. Because I don’t want to do it. OCD wants to do it, and I hate that. Everyday, I have to fight with OCD in my mind. Everyone with OCD has to painfully fight OCD with their minds too.

So, back to what I was talking about. Exposure. Be it exposure to dirt,or germs or asymmetrical stuff, or sniffing in my case, is easier said than done. Anyone can say, “just snap out of it”, but only we know the intense pain of wanting so badly to snap out of it yet we just cannot. Many a times,I’ve wished I was deaf just so that I don’t have to hear people sniffing.But then again, I guess that’s a form of avoidance too.

Lately, after my appointment with my doctor, I’ve refrained from using earphones on public transport. It hasn’t been easy at all.Because almost everywhere i go,people sniff.So, I just try my very best to bear with it. When it gets pretty bad,I do some deep breathing( as recommended by my doctor).Deep breathing doesn’t entirely help, but I can say that it helps me, though just a teeny weeny bit. I feel really “free” when I alight from public transport, but not entirely free because along the way, people sniff too. The good thing is that,when I’m mobile I can choose to walk faster, and hence get away from the source of sniffing as soon as possible. Avoidance again,I know. It’s just too painful.

In school it hits me even harder because during lectures, I spend all the time being irritated over people sniffing during the lecture,that I barely absorb what has been taught during the lecture. During tests and examinations, I have to resort to using my hands to cover my ears just so that I can read and understand a question.Needless to say, it’s become common practise for me to run away halfway during lectures, and also leave my examination really soon.

But I’m glad that amidst the chaos OCD has caused in my mind and life, I do have a few special people who make me feel really special.also included in my group of special people are ocd weblogers with whom I can connect with.

secrets unfolded

I cannot quite remember what inspired me to type out my first post. Initially,I wanted to just keep it as a personal diary, stored as a document in my computer, but then changed my mind and decided to blog it. I guess there’s immense comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. And for me, that fact has been very comforting, because I know that someone else understands my pain.
I received a comment on my previous post by a very nice soul, and when I proceeded to view his blog, I realised that there are others who have OCD weblogs too. Even though I may not know how they look physically or how their voices sound, and even though we may not even be staying in the same continent, there’s something that binds us. OCD. It’s quite amazing to think that something so horribly negative can bind us in positive ways so that we can learn and grow from each others’ experiences.

I know I haven’t updated this blog in close to 7 months, but somehow, I’m inspired to, again. =) I believe I haven’t quite mentioned the form OCD takes in my life. I do have some of the symptoms that are typically OCD, for e.g, disturbing intrusive thoughts and a heightend need to be in a clean place. But there’s another symptoms that overpowers these, and has taken control of my life. Of course, now I’d like to think that I am in control of it.
But here’s the truth. I have an intense irritation of the sound of people sniffing. It’s not a typical OCD symptom, and hence has resulted in a great amount of despair in me. Why? Because I don’t know of anyone else who gets intensely irritated by the sound of people sniffing?

Now,I’m considerably better because I’m on medication. At least, I do make efforts to go out and have fun too.
But before I was put on medication, my life was in shambles. I couldn’t even leave my house.Most of the time, I stayed in my room. If I heard too much sniffing, I’d break down and cry.
There are many a times I’ve wished that someone else would truly understand what I’m going through because it’s definitely not easy being me. I always try to think of others who are in a state much worse off than me, and consider myself lucky. But,I simply cannot. My pain is real.

Sniffing is not like a snake, whereby chances of coming into contact with it is super rare. Sniffing is everywhere. There’s no place I can call my safe place. Lately, my home has pretty much developed into my safe place, but who am I to tell my family members not to sniff. I know sniffing is natural, yet I just cannot help it but feel immensely irritated.
Every train and bus journey is a nightmare to me. I used to listen to mp3s to drown out the sniffing noise, and then I started using noise-cancelling earphones. I thought that the noise cancelling earphones were a salvation to me. I “thrived” on them.
In the initial stages,I got panic attacks every time I got into public transport. It was living hell,I tell you. When I got onto the train, I’d suddenly feel nauseous and wanting to throw up. Then,i’d start perspiring. then there came a point of time whereby I thought it was due to something being wrong with my stomach, so I started taking antacid pills whenever I felt nauseous. There are also many a times I’ve ran out of a train because I just couldn’t take it(and this was with mp3s ringing in my ears).

Medication has definitely given me a whole load of breathing space. But, it can’t cure my irritation.It feels like it has become a part of me.I don’t like it to be that way.
I want to be the way I used to be. A happy little girl with NO OCD.But apparently, doctors say that OCD is chronic and the key is to keep it under control.

I feel like a garden cluttered by dead weeds. These dead weeds are all the symptoms of OCD, as well as the consequences of OCD. I wish I can pluck them all out. But that’s impossible,so I guess I gotta start slow.

I’ve got a wonderful family and a lovely boyfriend. Hence, I always ask myself, “If you have everything, then why are you still unhappy?”
I guess I have only one answer to that. OCD. Its ugly tentacles grip every aspect of myself, and I’m struggling to free myself from those poisonous tentacles.
Many days go by, and I ask myself, ” Why can’t I be a better daughter,sister, and girlfriend?” I don’t know,really.
It’s not their fate to have to bear with me, yet they’re so nice to bear with me and try not to hurt me in any way. My mum’s extremely sweet; whenever she accidentally sniffs,she’d apologize to me. It makes me feel horrible that she has to apologize for something that’s natural. I don’t know what I’d do without my family. But all the same, they’re never REALLY going to know that intense pain that’s eating me up from inside.
Same goes with my boyfriend.He knows about my condition, yet he’s always such a sweetheart to me.He’s been extremely tolerant of me and for me, that’s really something. I’ve always thought that men would leave me if they knew about my condition. I have dated a number of people, but he’s the first to know about my condition and yet,he’s sticking with me. He accompanies me for my lectures(where many people sniff partly because it’s air conditioned) and consoles me when I break down during lectures.
He has his own problems, yet he always goes out of the way to be there for me and make me feel so much better. He’s definitely one in a million. But all the same, I’m very insecured. There’s always this thought gnawing at my mind and telling me that he might someday leave me for a better girl; a normal girl. It really scares me. I wonder if that’s an OCD thought. I mean, why would he want to be with a girl who has OCD and who’s extremely sensitive to a very natural sound? And besides, there are probably many other beautiful and hot girls out there.

It felt good typing all that out. I guess that’s why people say writing a diary is therapeutic.
hehe.
till next time, take care!
And keep fighting on! We’re stronger than OCD.

first post

While everyone else were busy making New Year resolutions like “I must study harder this year” or “I must be a better friend”, she sat in her room pondering about her own resolutions. At this time last year, her resolution was “I must be truly happy” but it was only now that she realized that she had to learn to walk before she could learn to leap. Even though she was blessed with many moments of happiness, her resolution was something analogous to a D grade student wanting to achieve A+ on the very next exam. Hence, she thought to herself, and realized that she should take little steps, one at a time, to achieve her final goal; an unadulterated state of happiness. She finally came up with one simple resolution for the upcoming year. “I must control my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and not let it control me.” Short, simple and succinct. With that, she walked on into the New Year.

It was never easy for her, especially over the last two years as it gradually worsened. But then, she told herself she had to live with it at all costs. The next thing she knew, her OCD became comorbid with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). She began losing weight fast and soon became grossly skinny, as depression slowly sucked away the energy she harboured in her now weak body. She became like a baby; all she could do was cry yet she never could tell anyone about the internal turmoil that was killing her; a bit more each day. She hoped against hope that things would get better, yet it never did. She started keeping away from people so as not to make obvious that she’d been wearing a façade all this time. She didn’t want others to know how and with what intensity she was hurting. It came to a point whereby she was almost home bound; a point whereby stepping anywhere outside the confines of her own home was dangerous and plain anxiety-invoking. Her home was her safe ground; her family was her only consolation. She decided to hold on only for the sake of her family; the unconditional love they showered on her despite knowledge of her condition, her actions, her idiosyncrasies and her behaviour which could sometimes be irrational. She loved her family with every bit of her almost completely numb heart.

With medication, her depression soon lifted. She was able to go out and to school even though she still had to suffer with extreme anxiety and panic attacks during public transport rides. It was the third day of a brand new semester at school. She breathed a sigh of relief as she walked into school with the knowledge that the public transport rides and panic attack didn’t kill her. She was walking briskly for she did not want to be late for the first lesson of the subject. It was then that she saw him. That very moment, her life took a turn.

Following their brief meeting and throughout the days following that, he was predominantly on her mind. There was this little spark in her; a feeling so profound she couldn’t find a word to describe. She thought it was love, but later chided herself saying that it was probably a harmless crush that would wither away within a matter of days. But she wasn’t one who could feel so strongly for a guy that easily. She’d only remembered feeling for someone that much only once before. Again, she chided herself by saying that true love only comes once.

Days and weeks passed, but he stayed on her mind, leaving his imprints more vividly as each day passed. She enjoyed speaking with him, and even more than that, she enjoyed those long MSN conversations they had. She liked the way he was, the way he cared, the concern he showered, the way he listened to her mindless ranting and above all that, she loved him. No matter how hard she tried and the countless number of times she attempted to move away from him, she couldn’t shake that feeling off her. But, she had to face up to reality. She’d read quite a substantial number of articles and watched a drama depicting how OCD could ruin a relationship, and even a marriage. She knew she could never hurt him; it would be sinful to hurt someone as fragile as he was. She couldn’t be with him, ever.