While everyone else were busy making New Year resolutions like “I must study harder this year” or “I must be a better friend”, she sat in her room pondering about her own resolutions. At this time last year, her resolution was “I must be truly happy” but it was only now that she realized that she had to learn to walk before she could learn to leap. Even though she was blessed with many moments of happiness, her resolution was something analogous to a D grade student wanting to achieve A+ on the very next exam. Hence, she thought to herself, and realized that she should take little steps, one at a time, to achieve her final goal; an unadulterated state of happiness. She finally came up with one simple resolution for the upcoming year. “I must control my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and not let it control me.” Short, simple and succinct. With that, she walked on into the New Year.

It was never easy for her, especially over the last two years as it gradually worsened. But then, she told herself she had to live with it at all costs. The next thing she knew, her OCD became comorbid with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). She began losing weight fast and soon became grossly skinny, as depression slowly sucked away the energy she harboured in her now weak body. She became like a baby; all she could do was cry yet she never could tell anyone about the internal turmoil that was killing her; a bit more each day. She hoped against hope that things would get better, yet it never did. She started keeping away from people so as not to make obvious that she’d been wearing a façade all this time. She didn’t want others to know how and with what intensity she was hurting. It came to a point whereby she was almost home bound; a point whereby stepping anywhere outside the confines of her own home was dangerous and plain anxiety-invoking. Her home was her safe ground; her family was her only consolation. She decided to hold on only for the sake of her family; the unconditional love they showered on her despite knowledge of her condition, her actions, her idiosyncrasies and her behaviour which could sometimes be irrational. She loved her family with every bit of her almost completely numb heart.

With medication, her depression soon lifted. She was able to go out and to school even though she still had to suffer with extreme anxiety and panic attacks during public transport rides. It was the third day of a brand new semester at school. She breathed a sigh of relief as she walked into school with the knowledge that the public transport rides and panic attack didn’t kill her. She was walking briskly for she did not want to be late for the first lesson of the subject. It was then that she saw him. That very moment, her life took a turn.

Following their brief meeting and throughout the days following that, he was predominantly on her mind. There was this little spark in her; a feeling so profound she couldn’t find a word to describe. She thought it was love, but later chided herself saying that it was probably a harmless crush that would wither away within a matter of days. But she wasn’t one who could feel so strongly for a guy that easily. She’d only remembered feeling for someone that much only once before. Again, she chided herself by saying that true love only comes once.

Days and weeks passed, but he stayed on her mind, leaving his imprints more vividly as each day passed. She enjoyed speaking with him, and even more than that, she enjoyed those long MSN conversations they had. She liked the way he was, the way he cared, the concern he showered, the way he listened to her mindless ranting and above all that, she loved him. No matter how hard she tried and the countless number of times she attempted to move away from him, she couldn’t shake that feeling off her. But, she had to face up to reality. She’d read quite a substantial number of articles and watched a drama depicting how OCD could ruin a relationship, and even a marriage. She knew she could never hurt him; it would be sinful to hurt someone as fragile as he was. She couldn’t be with him, ever.