The past one week hasn’t exactly been really easy for me.OCD hounded me for a good part of the week but I still had my splendid moments too. Of course, the public transport journeys haven’t been easy on me. My doctor indicated that using earphones was a form of avoidance, and the only way to overcome my irritation of sniffing was to expose myself to it.Easily said. Only I would know how much I suffer inside and the kind of emotions it triggers.With medication,I’ve been a little better from what I used to be. When people sniffed, I used to curse them in my mind, and most of the time, I’d be afraid that if my irritations gets out of hand, I might harm the person or even kill that person. It scares me,really. Because I don’t want to do it. OCD wants to do it, and I hate that. Everyday, I have to fight with OCD in my mind. Everyone with OCD has to painfully fight OCD with their minds too.

So, back to what I was talking about. Exposure. Be it exposure to dirt,or germs or asymmetrical stuff, or sniffing in my case, is easier said than done. Anyone can say, “just snap out of it”, but only we know the intense pain of wanting so badly to snap out of it yet we just cannot. Many a times,I’ve wished I was deaf just so that I don’t have to hear people sniffing.But then again, I guess that’s a form of avoidance too.

Lately, after my appointment with my doctor, I’ve refrained from using earphones on public transport. It hasn’t been easy at all.Because almost everywhere i go,people sniff.So, I just try my very best to bear with it. When it gets pretty bad,I do some deep breathing( as recommended by my doctor).Deep breathing doesn’t entirely help, but I can say that it helps me, though just a teeny weeny bit. I feel really “free” when I alight from public transport, but not entirely free because along the way, people sniff too. The good thing is that,when I’m mobile I can choose to walk faster, and hence get away from the source of sniffing as soon as possible. Avoidance again,I know. It’s just too painful.

In school it hits me even harder because during lectures, I spend all the time being irritated over people sniffing during the lecture,that I barely absorb what has been taught during the lecture. During tests and examinations, I have to resort to using my hands to cover my ears just so that I can read and understand a question.Needless to say, it’s become common practise for me to run away halfway during lectures, and also leave my examination really soon.

But I’m glad that amidst the chaos OCD has caused in my mind and life, I do have a few special people who make me feel really special.also included in my group of special people are ocd weblogers with whom I can connect with.