As the title of this post says, I am struggling to keep sane.
My day started off quite well today because there was minimal sniffing on the public transport to uni. After which,I went for a lesson where quite a number of people were sniffing. As usual, I tried to keep the brimming irritation in control. I’m glad my irritation didn’t reach a dangerous level ( because circumstances had it that I could leave that lesson midway 
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Then, guess what happened? I saw my boyfriend talking to two girls (one of whom is a friend of mine too) All hell broke loose in me. Something unexplainable started gripping me tightly with its vicious tentacles. Almost immediately, it was written across my face that I was unhappy. not just unhappy, but miserably unhappy. Then i knew i was obsessing again. Although I know it’s irrational,I just couldn’t help it. my mind started running amok.it was overloaded with “what ifs”. “what if he falls for her?”, “what if he thinks she’s prettier than me?”, “what if he’s bored of me?”, “what if he likes her because she is a good person whereas I’m a bad person”,”what if he falls for her because she isn’t crazy like I am?” So there, you get my drift. I was obsessing. It was terribly bad. I wanted it to stop. But it wouldn’t.
Following that,I refused to talk to my friends. They probably thought I was sad, or maybe anti social, but i didn’t want to look fake by pretending to be all okay.To add on to that, I was physically tired. I really hope I’m not relapsing into depression again. I don’t wanna go through that hell again. But anyway, I simply didn’t speak to them. My mind was in chaos.Tooo many thoughts. All of which I just couldn’t halt.I could barely concentrate on anything else. If that wasn’t bad enough,there were a few people around me who were sniffing. So that made it even worse. I couldn’t wait to flee.
I left with the intention of breaking up with my boyfriend. It was too painful to go on. Not because it isn’t a fulfilling relationship, but because I was putting him through so much torture. I shouldn’t be dictating his life and tellinghim to upkeep certain cleanliness rules, and also not to speak to any girls.And most definitely, it isn’t his fate to suffer with someone like me. He certainly doesn’t deserve all this. He deserves someone much much better!So, I wanted to put an end to it.
When I saw him,I couldn’t. I was in a dilemma. Here was the person I love so much and want to spend my life with. How could I just let him go like that? Yet, another side of me was telling me to let go and spare him the pain and torture of being with me. Then again, it started. I kept thinking that he’d get tired of me controlling him and telling him not to speak to girls, and as such he may feel too pressurized and leave me for a better girl. 
I’m glad I didn’t end the relationship but it still gnaws at my heart that I’m imposing too much on him, and torturing him waaay too much that he may break. I’d hate myself if that ever happened.
I neeeed to stop the obsessive thoughts. Sometimes, i get so afraid that I may be going insane. But, I’m still struggling to keep afloat.
Hoping for a better day…..
dont give up, i lost my much loved girlfriend because of my OCD, she couldent take it. but a big part of it was i dident tell her i had it. i would just become paralyzed and tell her my feelings, but not that they were caused by OCD. it came to the point were i became so closed off that we barely interacted anymore, and then she gave up. i loved her to death, and i cant believe i was so blind to what this disorder was doing to our relationship. dont let it control you. IT IS all in your head. just take the time to tell yourself when your obsessing, that its ok, its ok to obsess right now, and if you yield it being ok to obsess, you wont feel like your going insane, then very quickly ( at least for me ) the obsession will stop, it will go away. because its impossible to fight them, to drive them out of your mind. it just makes them more intense. but if you yield to them and just let them pass, eventually they will stop happening.
dont break up with your boyfriend over this, you dont deserve that. just keep on going, and make sure your as open with him as you can. because if he knows that the obsessing isent you, its the OCD it can make a world of difference.
Hi Stephen. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, and I guess you’re right that a big part of it was thatyou didn’t tell herabout your condition. But all the same, I know it’s really difficult and takes alot of courage to actually open up to your other half about your condition. I can see that you really love her alot, and I hope that one day she’ll come back you. =)
Yup, the problem with me is that I try to fight the obsessions that it becomes worse, because I cannot bear to think of what would happen if I yield to them. But,I’ll try to work on ur suggestion. Thank you!